The Relationship Coach

In the course of my research as a Masters student I stumbled across some information that has proven to be immensely valuable to me and my clients. Supposing that I had assigned the world of performance improvement to a fleeting portion of my rear view mirror as I headed feverishly forward into the land of coaching I soon discovered that the two worlds are actually the same. I came to that realization when I discovered that a good portion of the information I uncovered in my research has can be practically applicable in both the performance improvement as well as in the coaching world. I now know that both are planets in the very same solar system revolving around the very same sun. As a coach, the lenses I see through are clouded and cluttered with goals, visions, roadmaps, milestone markers and plenty of accountability. And, that is all part and parcel of the function of coaching. Specifically as a relationship & marriage coach. Drawing from my studies, I stumbled across George Homan’s Social Exchange As Exchange Theory. Once I believed I had a solid understanding of the theory, I was as excited and as restless as a child on Christmas. Wow! I thought to myself that as it relates to performance improvement, the possibilities were endless. Since then my hypothesis has been tested and proven many times over. In 1958, sociologist George Homans presented the Social Behavior as Exchange theory. In short the theory explains social interactions with economic terms by describing human interactions on the basis of supply & demand. He goes on the say that we determine our commitment by determining whether or not the interaction is going to be worthwhile. In 1969, Walter Nord postulated that conformity was the commodity and the overall objective for our interactions. So what does any of that have to do with relationship & marriage coaching one might ask? In all of my experiences coaching couples, whether opposite sex or same sex in nature, I have never once come across a couple where the wants and the needs of each partner were so vastly different. Not one single time! The point: as human, it is safe to say that on a basic level, we all all want and would appreciate roughly the same things. We all want to be respected, cherished and celebrated to a degree, loved unconditionally. That said, when it comes to romantic relationship we ought then to have a leg up in understanding our partners. If I as a human being and one half of the relationship want those things, it is a pretty safe bet that my partner would want and possibly need the very same things. I think we all see that the logic there is undeniable. So when do problems arise in our relationships so often if at all? Problems arise because even though we possess a powerful working knowledge of ourselves and of human nature in general, we aren’t as willing to meet our partners at a needs level and in a manner that would safeguard them and our connections to them from internal or external threats. And, we suffer greatly. I’ve found that pointing out these things provides the best opportunity to bridge the divide and invite both partners to see each other again as being wholly human with needs that can be met quite easily. When couples understand that fact, the goal has been identified and the roadmap has been developed all in an almost add water and stir kind of a way. The only thing left to do at that point is to set milestone markers in place so that the couple can hold themselves and their partners accountable to the progress that they both want and need so desperately in their relationship. When those things take place, the formula is complete and the likelihood of a positive healthy outcome is exponentially increased. Smiles will soon return to the faces of the partners and all will soon be well in their worlds. The coach is celebrated as the hero even though the answers as well as the solutions were always within reach of each of the partners the entire time. The coach just helped them to dial down their angry and pain long enough to become reacquainted with their respective value. That my friends is one possibly approach that can be taken by a relationship coach. It’s been working quite well for me and my clients.