By James W. Falcon, MSOL, CLSSBB,
I was initially introduced to the term while researching content for my last book, The Self-Love Practitioner. I was absolutely thrilled to learn about the topic for a variety of reasons. Chiefly, because it fit so well into the content plan of my book, particularly from an antithetical standpoint. Needless-to-say, I finished the book but I never let the topic or the term go. So much so I’ve actually searched for opportunities to insert the term & it’s meaning whenever possible. As a result the term has found a permanent home in the coaching support I provide my clients. since self-love is an integral part of that support, pathological altruism is now also a part of that support. Permit me to pause just long enough to insert the definition. One popular online resource, defines pathological altruism in the following manner…”[pathological altruism] is any behavior or personal tendency in which either the stated aim or the implied motivation is to promote the welfare of another. But instead of overall beneficial outcomes, this altruism instead has irrational (from the point of view of an outside observer) and substantial negative consequences to the other or even to the self” (academic.oup.com, 2011).
[pathological altruism] is any behavior or personal tendency in which either the stated aim or the implied motivation is to promote the welfare of another. But instead of overall beneficial outcomes, this altruism instead has irrational (from the point of view of an outside observer) and substantial negative consequences to the other or even to the self
academic.oup.com, 2011
In layman’s terms, pathological altruism was described in one very popular online news article as what happens when “ ‘how can I help you?” behavior is taken to extremes, misapplied or stridently rhapsodized, it can become unhelpful, unproductive and even destructive.’ Imagine buying a brand-new home. You invest in the finest floor coverings, top of the line materials will serve as your countertops, your fixtures are all gold plated with the latest in touchless technology, your kitchen is clad high-end appliances. Every room has at least a 60–70-inch wall mounted smart TV. The exterior boasts an endless pool surrounded by multiple cozy cozy is covered nestled in exquisitely landscaped and exterior design so that every square inch of the property could easily double as the backdrop for your daughter’s fairy tale wedding. Image the poor soul that owned all of that but never bothered to invest in an interior or an exterior alarm system. And, on the owner’s first few hours away from his own personal paradise-the unthinkable happens! The home is broken into and ransacked. All of it’s unique treasures are taken. The exterior of the home looted, sabotaged, littered with trash and graffitied.
In layman’s terms, pathological altruism was described in one very popular online news article as what happens when “ ‘how can I help you?” behavior is taken to extremes, misapplied or stridently rhapsodized, it can become unhelpful, unproductive and even destructive
The New York Times, October 3, 2011
O.K. I went to the extreme to paint a heaven and hell scenario. But that is exactly what happens when our love of self, has no boundaries, no alarms, and no preferences. We have a dreamy piece of property that is completely unguarded and it falls prey to the whims and the wishes of others. Of people that only see our treasures as something to be taken, abused at the first chance and often at every chance they get. The hell part of this scenario is a fitting but a very loose metaphoric description of pathological altruism. Without boundaries, alarms & preferences, we are reduced to serving the needs of others by force, without any resistance and without our permission and sign off. In essence without a solid understanding of self-love and in it’s absence, we have luxury properties that don’t have the logos and signs of premium alarm companies on them instead they have large, “come and help yourself” signs. And passersby are more than eager and happy to oblige us. And before you know it, we find ourselves feeling defenseless against the requests of others, Our time never feels like our own. Soon, we find ourselves as volunteer administrative assistants of our family & friends. More blocks of time than we care to admit exist in our planners that are dedicated to doing for others than they are for ourselves.
In essence without a solid understanding of self-love and in it’s absence, we have luxury properties that don’t have the logos and signs of premium alarm companies on them instead they have large, “come and help yourself” signs. And passersby are more than eager and happy to oblige us.
The sad thing is that it starts off very small and it’s subtle. It was a very good cause or an extremely noble gesture that just got out of control. It was the tool you loaned to the new neighbor to help him get settled in. New home, new neighborhood, new HOA guidelines. You remember how overwhelmed you felt when you were the new neighbor. Don’t you? So you are compelled to help. It’s that one friend that asks you for a ride to work. Or that one friend that you let crash at your place after their divorce. And now that new neighbor has just about all of your tools in their garage and you have to borrow your tools back from them just to use them. Now they have grown so depended on you for transportation they are texting you reminders about upcoming important events as if you are their personal Uber driver. That one friend that you let crash on your couch in the basement has moved all of their things in and they are making interior design recommendations about their vision for your basement. These are the likely results of the absence of self-love and of what happens when “sure, I’d love to help,” goes horribly, miserably, painfully wrong.
So what place does a heavy topic like pathological altruism have in a coaching blog? I must admit, the topic is much more likely to exist in a counseling session rather than in a coaching session unless you are lucky enough to connect with an experienced, research savvy coach. I have grabbed on to the term to help my clients understand just how important having and maintaining a self-love mindset is. I use pathological altruism to jar clients into understanding how their self-love can be threatened or jeopardized by certain actions or by their failure to act. Pathological is obsessive, compulsive, or extreme. The concept has actually been a golden tool to help me free clients of certain types of limiting beliefs. Why? Because both self-love & pathological altruism speak to loyalties and preferences.
I help clients across many demographics identify, unhealthy, stifling & stymieing connections they might be engaged in and emancipate themselves to enjoy a newfound freedom.
I challenge my clients into seeing the possibilities & benefits of having increased loyalty to themselves and investing in their own well-being which is self-love and to disconnect from the pathological altruism-like relationship traps. And, traps they are. A good and noble idea slowly morphs into something that embitters you, drains you of enthusiasm, energy, joy and money in many cases. I help clients across many demographics identify, unhealthy, stifling & stymieing connections they might be engaged in and aid them to emancipate themselves to enjoy a newfound freedom.
And, traps they are. A good and noble idea slowly morphs into something that embitters you, drains you of enthusiasm, energy, joy and money in many cases. I help clients across many demographics identify, unhealthy, stifling & stymieing connections they might be engaged in and aid them to emancipate themselves to enjoy a newfound freedom.
Frankly, that can be the work of a coach or a counselor. A counselor will help their clients (patients) trace the origin and deal with the deep seeded emotional pain associated with experience. We coaches help our clients (coaches don’t have patients!) to map out and pursue new healthier courses of action. We aid clients in making the necessary mindset adjustments and invite them to consider new behavior that will facilitate a successful pursuit of their new or adjusted goals. From a coaching standpoint it is important for me to help my clients to realize that the pain, the hurt, the toll, the inconvenience that they may experience that results from unhealthy relationship connections should never be the norm nor long term. This framework is super important for everyone to understand and to use.
Martyrdom is not healthy and should never be tolerated on a short- or long-term basis Self-love is the safeguard and an experienced knowledgeable coach can guide you through the woods and into the clearing of such issues. This is key for everyone. Especially for those in helping professions.
Martyrdom is not healthy and should never be tolerated on a short- or long-term basis Self-love is the safeguard and an experienced knowledgeable coach can guide you through the woods and into the clearing of such issues. This is key for everyone. Especially for those in helping professions. It is even critical for coaches. Coaches should understand that the coach-client exchange should never be a burden for the coach. Which is why I’ve grown accustomed to telling my clients that although I am an enthusiastic participant in their goal setting, goal pursuit, goal attainment process, the bulk of the workload will be and should be borne by the client. I have even gone as far as to mention this in the coaching agreement I give to all of my clients so that the stage is properly officially & legally set. The goal is the client’s therefore the labor involved to reach the goal belongs to the client as well. This point is so crucial for me in my coaching practice, that clients that fail to understand and exhibit this are in danger of voiding their Agreement without a refund. Yup. Framing that for clients has helped me frame things similarly in my other relationships as well. As a result I am not only having healthier interactions but I am having so much more fun in those interactions. What would happen if you introduced similar framework? You’d see similar results.
In closing, if you read this post and realized that you might have fallen prey to one these traps. First, don’t you dare be ashamed! It happens to the best of us. For every good-hearted person out there, there are probably two to three wolves waiting to take advantage of a little red riding hood. No matter if you’ve fallen prey to pathological altruism like traps or not, the principles of self-love can be your salvation and future safeguard. So, if you found you’ve dug yourself into a hole that you can’t find your way out of, your first step is to stop digging! And the next step-the step that I highly recommend is yup, you guessed it, contact a coach.
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For more information on this topic or on any other coaching related topic use the contact information below to contact us today and/or to make an appointment. Don’t forget to ask about our free 20-minute consultations. Hope to hear from you soon.
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References:
Angier, N. (2011, October 3) The Pathological Altruist Gives Till Someone Hurts. Retrieved from The New York Times:https://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/04/science/04angier.html
Oakley, Barbara, Ariel Knafo, and Michael McGrath, ‘Pathological Altruism—An Introduction’, in Barbara Oakley and others (eds), Pathological Altruism (2011; online eds, Oxford Academic, 19 Jan. 2012), https://doi.org/10.1093/acprof:oso/9780199738571.003.0014, accessed 7 Mar. 2023.
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James W. Falcon is Certified Master Life Coach and holds certifications in 15 different coaching areas, including a Lean Six Sigma Black Belt. He is also the founder & principal life coach of a New Horizon Life Coaching Products & Virtual Services-a 5-Star coaching practice that provides coaching support for life, relationships, business and career related goal pursuits. The practice is a subsidiary of his helps network, Encouragement Is Key©, 2022.
Contact info:
James W. Falcon, MSOL, CLSSBB, CMLC
email: Encouragementbydesign2020@gmail.com
Website: https://wp.me/P8RK91-2
Phone: 855.962.6324
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