James W. Falcon, MSOL, CLSSBB
March 22, 2023
(7 minute read)
It only needed to happen once. It was the scariest thing to hear and the absolute saddest thing to see. It, like so many of my initial interactions with my first couples’ coaching clients has haunted me for several years. But this situation sent chills down my spine then and continues to do so every time I dare recall the exchange. They were a mature couple couple-late thirties, early 40’s. They were a few years into their romantic relationship. They were not married but had talked about it several times. But he had been unfaithful and she was fed up with his lies and false promises. He was numb. She had reached out to me for help because they couldn’t stop arguing. They were both exhausted and at the end of their proverbial ropes. And then it happened! It was during the interview/ assessment process.
It only needed to happen once. It was the scariest thing to hear and the absolute saddest thing to see.
I typically conduct an interview and I do an assessment to determine what the couples needs are and if they are good candidates for my coaching. I try to get a feel for the types of issues clients are facing. Is abuse part if they equation? And, if so what kind of abuse and how long have the waters been muddied by that trauma? Of course, I always ask if there have been any instances of cheating. In this couples’ case. Their poor communication has been fueled by emotional abuse & cheating. Oh, and by the way, if either of the partners have been serial in their cheating or if there have been any instance of physical abuse, or if either partner had been diagnosed with a mental illnesses, I immediately opt out and I strongly advise the client to get counseling or therapy. To benefit from coaching a client has to be able to focus on pursuing a goal. Any issues that might compete with that focus should be appropriately managed first. Otherwise the client could find themselves overburdened by having divided attention.
To benefit from coaching a client has to be able to focus on pursuing a goal. Any issues that might compete with that focus should be appropriately managed first. Otherwise the client could find themselves overburdened by having divided attention.
During the interview I ask a number of questions that really give me a solid understanding of the partner’s commitment to each other. One of those questions is, “tell me where you see your relationship in 3-5 years?” The question is designed to get the partners to talk. In most cases, the partners will paint a good clear picture of where they see themselves going despite all the pain and frustration they’ve experienced. A really good explanation generally means that the partner is still really hopeful about the relationship and it’s future. The man painted a good picture that included a happy family, a house. Happy children, a pet, etc. But things got really dark, really quickly when she spoke. I’ll never forget what she said. What she said was not nearly as troubling as how she said what she said. She said, “oh don’t see a thing for us in the future!” To which I responded, “ really, you don’t see anything?” She said, “ not a thing. It’s pitch black!” Her lips curled in utter disgust as she spoke. My response was short and simple. I said, “We’ll, ok then, thank you so very much for your time.” He very nervously ask, “is that it?” I explained, “Yes sir.” I said, “As a coach, my job is to take you from your present state of being to where and how you see yourself being in the future. I come to the table with skills to do that. You must have the vision, the goal. Your partner can’t see a future for your relationship. No future, There is nowhere to go, so our time is done, I’m so very sorry. I wish you the very best,” and I disconnected the call.
But things got really dark, really quickly when she spoke. I’ll never forget what she said. What she said was not nearly as troubling as how she said what she said.
Although my job as a coach was finished, my responsibility as an empathetic human being was just beginning. I called the woman to talked with her privately to express my concern for her state of mind and heart. I applauded her for realizing that her best, healthiest option was to separate. I did for her what I do for many clients in what appears to me to be emotional or psychological distress, I gave her the telephone number to a crisis intervention hotline and urged her to call it right away. I also promised to follow up with her just to make sure she was ok. And I did. We had several follow up conversations. They broke up. She got the additional help she needed and moved on. But let me go back a bit to unpack a few things.
Although my job as a coach was finished, my responsibility as an empathetic human being was just beginning. I called the woman to talked with her privately to express my concern for her state of mind and heart.
This was scary because in order for the one partner to not see any elements of a future for her relationship means she had given up, shut down, had already decided that it is not beneficial to go any further in that relationship. We are by nature are phototropic beings. We, like plants, tend to bend toward the light. In essence human beings especially in dark times, challenging situations tend to lean toward hope, happier thoughts. If imprisoned, we hope and crave freedom. If sick, we yearn for healing. So what happened in the heart and mind of my client that caused her to stop hoping for a brighter future for herself and her relationship? Probably a tremendous amount of pain and despair. That’s what made this exchange so scary and makes it scary even to recall.
We are by nature are phototropic beings. We, like plants, tend to bend toward the light. In essence human beings especially in dark times, challenging situations tend to lean toward hope, happier thoughts. If imprisoned, we hope and crave freedom. If sick, we yearn for healing.
I called the woman and had a conversation with her to express my concern about her state of mind and to strongly recommend that she seek therapy. And said James, “I appreciate your concern but I have never been more confident about the fact that I need to get out of this relationship. And get as far away from this man as possible.” And I said, “ good for you, please do just that as soon as possible. “ I did for her what I do for all my clients that appear to be in emotional or psychological distress, I gave her the phone to crisis intervention hotline and urged to call right away. In addition, I promised to follow up with in a few days just to make sue she was ok. And, I did. She called the crisis number got the additional support she needed. They connected her to a therapist in her area. She ended her toxic relationship, reconnected with family & friends and moved on.
She…got the additional support she needed. They connected her to a therapist in her area. She ended her toxic relationship, reconnected with family & friends and moved on.
Here’s the saddest part. As humans we don’t give ourselves enough credit. We don’t pay attention to the things that are common. We often look for deeper meaning but we fail to see that the deeper meaning can often be found in shallow pools. It is our job to wade in and to diligently search. Vision is one of those common things. We all have it, though in varying degrees and depths. Our ability as sentient beings to see life beyond the here and now is quite common for our species. It is so common that when we don’t have something as common as vision, we need to pause and examine why. Vision for a relationship is especially common. We meet someone of interest. And whether sparks fly or not it is automatic that we start imagining what future interactions would be like with this person. If sparks are really flying, we may start to entertain thoughts that a status change might occur. We see ourselves move from “just friends” to being in a committed, monogamous relationship. And, depending on how well the committed monogamous part goes, we may even entertain thoughts of marriage and have a vision of a small group of family and friends gathered on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean. To some, it may be “our imagination.” For others of us, those thoughts become a driving force that compel and propel us into motion. But once again, whatever we call it, we can all agree that seeing glimpses of our ourselves in the future is part and parcel of the human experience.
We often look for deeper meaning but we fail to see that the deeper meaning can often be found in shallow pools. It is our job to wade in and to diligently search. Vision is one of those common things.
What’s sad is without those glimpses we run the risk of being stagnant, stale, stuck. Then life and most importantly time and all of the glorious possibilities simply pass us by. And we end up having what we’ve always had. We end up doing what we’ve always done. And, we have no choice but to only see what we’ve always seen. Our present reality. An excerpt from a March 10, 2020, post on a popular employment site, sums things up perfectly by saying…
If you don’t have a clear life vision…you are aimless and susceptible to being led by others’ agenda’s. Deep down this will cause you to feel unsettled, restless or anxious right through to chaotic or at crisis point
LinkedIn, 2020
If you don’t have a clear life vision…you are aimless and susceptible to being led by others’ agenda’s. Deep down this will cause you to feel unsettled, restless or anxious right through to chaotic or at crisis point(LinkedIn, 2020)
To my client’s credit, while she may have been ignorant about the nuances of vision, she was absolutely clear about one thing, She knew she had to cut ties with her partner. That was realization enough to open a door for real change.
Coaches aren’t in the business of giving and creating visions. That is completely the client’s responsibility. No vision or goal means there is no fish finish line. If there is no finish line there is no reason to run a race. It really is just that simple.
As harsh and as abrupt as ending of that initial call may have seemed. I meant what I said. The truth is a hard, sometimes nasty, pasty tasting pill to swallow. Coaches aren’t in the business of giving and creating visions. That is completely the client’s responsibility. No vision or goal means there is no fish finish line. If there is no finish line there is no reason to run a race. It really is just that simple. Think about it. How many people fail to get started on their goals or either they lose motivation along the way because they don’t have a good clear understanding of why they are running, where they are running, or how they are supposed to run so they stop running. The pursuit makes no sense. All coaching exchanges are centered on a goal, a vision of some sort. Without it, it’s not coaching. It’s just a conversation. If you or someone you know need an experienced, skilled, research savvy coach, let me know. I know a guy. LOL.
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For more on James’ coaching practice, click: A New Horizon Life Coaching Products & Virtual Services
References:
Summons, B. (2020, March 10). Why people fail at realizing their life vision – 5 tips to create a great life vision and make it a reality. Retrieved from LinkedIn.com: Why people fail at realizing their life vision – 5 tips to create a great life vision and make it a reality
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