James W. Falcon, MSOL, CLSSBB
6.5 minute read
Published March 24, 2023 – 10:036 pm, EST |Updated March 25,2023-5:54a.m., EST
The modality of coaching helps people to find healthier, more efficient paths to reach their goals. In essence, a coach is a guide. The more skillful, the more experienced the coach, the more enjoyable the journey will be for the clients. In this post I would like to share 1 of several keys of effective communication that are part of the coaching curriculum I developed for my couples’ coaching clients.
Before I launch let me share the background information first. A few months after I opened my life coaching practice, I developed a curriculum in preparation for serving the increasing volume of requests I was receiving for couples’ coaching. After a few days of thought & development, I had a curriculum that I believed would be perfect for both mine and my clients’ needs. So I jumped into serving couples who were having issues in their relationships. After a few early inning and later inning victories, my practice had expanded its reach and I had a few more happy clients and 5-star client rating to boast about.
The modality of coaching helps people to find healthier, more efficient paths to reach their goals. In essence, a coach is a guide. The more skillful, the more experienced the coach, the more enjoyable the journey will be for the clients.
Things were going swimmingly well as the British say. And, then I had a two-stage lightbulb moment. In the first phase, it was painfully obvious that the bulk of my clients’ challenges were the result of poor communication practices. A December 3, 2020, blog post on Bonobiology.com entitled “25 Most common relationship problems” list Unhealthy communication as #2. My research found at least 5 other sources, both public & private that credited communication as being a chief challenge for couples. At the risk of belaboring the point, let’s look at one more support for this point. This point comes from some keen observers in the land down under. And, in the interest of transparency, I must admit that I forced a round peg into a square hole with this one. A post on the Australian site, kidspot.com.au, entitled, “Nine problems couples face in their relationship,” paints a sobering picture of the wall it says couples are destined to slam headlong into. The post draws from a study in the journal, Evolutionary Psychology which dials up the sobriety by saying, that the journey a couple takes will most certainly include challenges. It says, “…intimacy between two people can be difficult to maintain in the long run.” The information I am inserting is not communication related at all but rather boundaries & personal space related. I reshaped the information and gave it a communication context and subsequently gave it a very useful and prominent place in my curriculum. None-the-less, The study in the Evolutionary Psychology journal explains that one of the nine problems couples are certain to face is “lack of personal space and time.’ It offers the following detail…
the journey a couples takes will most certainly include challenges. It says, “…intimacy between two people can be difficult to maintain in the long run
Kidspot.com.au
“While quality time is important for couples to share, being with one person constantly for every moment of every day can be suffocating. Many people require personal space to give themselves a moment to breathe so once their significant other starts getting clingy and controlling, they may find it difficult to stay in the relationship”(kidspot.com.au, 2020).
While quality time is important for couples to share, being with one person constantly for every moment of every day can be suffocating. Many people require personal space to give themselves a moment to breathe so once their significant other starts getting clingy and controlling, they may find it difficult to stay in the relationship
Kidspot.com.au
To offer a solution for the damaging effects of assumptions, intrusiveness, & failure to respect personal space or your partner’s feelings in any given situation, my key incorporates those aspects and opens the eyes of clients so that they see the importance of things in the way in which they communicate with their partners. In acknowledgement of the gravity of the issue, I was compelled to include this and a solution in my curriculum. And thank God I did. It was a worthwhile investment.
In acknowledgement of the gravity of the issue, I was compelled to include this and a solution in my curriculum. And thank God I did. It was a worthwhile investment.
In the second phase, I had a painful communication experience in my own life & romantic relationship that forced me to add another addendum to my curriculum. Permit me to set this up. For most of my adult life I have been a morning person. I would awaken without an alarm clock and I’m usually full of enthusiasm, tons of energy and am ready to face a brand-new day. That mindset was perfect and just fine for a single man to have. But in recent years I found the woman of my dreams and am discovering how even the simplest of things on the smallest levels can have an impact and insight within the context of a relationship that it could never have when you live alone. Such was the case with me and the origin of the first key of effective communication. One morning, my eyes snatched themselves open, I sprang out of bed full of life and vigor, I sat on the side of the bed, clapped my hands, stomped my feet, as I considered my agenda for the day all while humming and turning on the brightest of our bedroom lights. Yeah, you can see exactly where this is going, can’t you? That was the moment I realized my beautiful & brilliant significant other was NOT a morning person… at all! How did you come to learn this information? Because I had an idea that I wanted to share with her and I thought 6 a.m. on a Saturday morning would be the perfect time to do that.
I had a painful communication experience in my own life & romantic relationship that forced me to add another an addendum to my curriculum.
My beautiful, brilliant and usually mild-mannered partner, responded with a snarl, “No, no, no! Turn that light off! Stop all that noise! I need more sleep! It is way too early for this!”
It didn’t take me long before I realized that our approaches to mornings needed to be mitigated. So, after a few conversations that took place during normal waking hours she shared her insight on the subject and the first key was born. Since that groundbreaking moment, I now awaken with much more consideration of my partner and I move about the house quietly and I wait for signs of life before ever thinking about starting in on my partner with thoughts or ideas. When I see and I can confirm that My Love has returned from dreamland, and her wheels are in motion, I say, “good morning Love. How’d you sleep? Can I share a thought I had with you? And I wait for the response. Whatever the response, I abide by that response. It may be, “Sure, lay it on me.” Or, “let me get a shower first.” In either case, the first key is, to take a temperature check to make sure your partner is in a mode to receive your message and engage you on the levels needed for a healthy exchange to occur. In essence, you are gaining an understanding of boundaries and you are acting appropriately.
Since that groundbreaking moment, I now awaken with much more consideration of my partner
In the absence of this, we run the risk of being callous, inconsiderate, or even intrusive. This is NOT an ingredient we can afford to be without, particularly as it relates to our romantic relationships. It’s also a great rule to follow with everyone with whom we interact. In private exchanges it’s respectful in public exchanges its professional. In all settings and by most people with whom you will interact it will be greatly appreciated. In our interactions with our partners this key is super important especially if and when we find ourselves actively engaged in heated conversation or in moments following tense discussions. It can be a great tool for bridge building efforts to get the conversation if not the relationship back on track. It’s worked wonders for my couples’ clients. In the summary session I do with my clients as we officially close out the coaching sessions, more times than not, clients mention the use of this tool as being a turning point for them because they feel like they can play an active role in turning the tide of their relationship. They mention that it was educational as well as empowering. In coaching, I give this key along with others to give clients practical tools and I supervise their use of the tools in real life scenarios via role play.
In the absence of this, we run the risk of being callous, inconsiderate, or even intrusive. This is NOT an ingredient we can afford to be without, particularly as it relates to our romantic relationships
This key is meant to add more credence and efficacy to the point and principle of boundaries. Boundaries aren’t just meant to keep us safe from physical abuses. They can also be used to enhance our interactions with everyone with whom we come in contact. They give us a gold finger touch in our romantic relationships because they transform us from brute beasts into irresistible life size teddy bears that become the subject of every significant other’s conversations with their besties. At the time of my transformative encounter with my partner, it hadn’t dawned on me to research best practices. At the time, the need was too pressing and client volume was growing so fast that I simply resorted to trusting my instincts and rolling with the punches. I researched some aspects of relationships but oddly enough, but nearly enough about communication. Thankfully time and circumstance permit me to do now what I didn’t do then.
This key is meant to add more credence and efficacy to the point and principle of boundaries. Boundaries aren’t just meant to keep us safe from abuses. They can be used to enhance our interactions with everyone with whom we come in contact.
The teachable moment I experience was so profound for me that I didn’t feel I had a choice but to bring its value to my clients. My partner and I use the tool frequently without even thinking about it. What we enjoy most about it is the fact that it mutually affirms our value. It conveys the kind of consideration we typically see & experience on first dates or on special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries and Valentine’s Day. Accept my partner and I yuse the tool all the time. So, as it relates to that mutual affirmation, the meter keeps running for those of you old enough to have had a cab ride experience. There is no substitution nor replacement for those kinds of tender moments. With the conveyance of the purpose and the efficacy of the use of the tool. Whether me and my partner or my clients, when the tool is used, a good time is had by all. Every time! So, if you or someone you know, is ever in need of an experienced, skilled, research savvy coach, let me know. I know a guy. LOL.
References
Chaudhary, A. (2020, december 3). 25 most common relationship problems. Retrieved from Bonobology: https://www.bonobology.com/25-common-relationship-problems/
Editor, K. (2020, December 16). Nine problems that couples face in their relationships. Retrieved from kidspot.com.au: https://www.kidspot.com.au/parenting/parenthood/relationships/nine-problems-that-couples-face-in-their-relationships/news-story/aacbc9c57b903b60ea5d2e2b7e8a257f
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