Couples’ coaching: another key to effective communication-sacred ground

James W. Falcon, MSOL, CLSSBB

Published March 27, 2023, 8:23 p.m., EST| Updated: March 3.27.2023, 9:06 p.m., EST

(A 3.4 minute read)

Like most of the information I share with my couples’ coach clients this key was birthed out of a very painful person experience I had with my significant other. Yup. That experience was not at all a happy, teachable moment. It was gut wrenching.

It was the kind of experience that makes you question everything! But thankfully, in hindsight, a boat load of good was drawn from it and many people have been and hopefully will continue to be enriched by it. Neither time nor space will permit me to provide a full run down of all the details.

Like most of the information I share with my couples’ coach clients this key was birthed out of a very painful person experience I had with my significant other.  Yup.  That experience was not at all a happy, teachable moment.  It was gut wrenching. 

     The essence was this: I made my significant other a solemn promise that something I gave her I would never ever  ask for it back-under any circumstance.  Unfortunately, neither pride nor ego allowed me to keep that promise.  The result was a devastating blow that was delivered to the heart, mind and soul of My Love.  The kind that brings tears to one’s eyes and causes lips to quiver in deeply sorrowful anger.  Yup.  It was truly the darkest moment in my amazing relationship with the woman of my dreams.  Thankfully My Amazing Lady forgave me for that monstrous misstep.  For the health and wellbeing of my partner and in the spirit of the preservation of my relationship, I decided to make another pledge. The deeper promise was that I would never ask for the gift back ever again.  I went as far as to say I would never bring up the issue or the mistake I made ever again. 

The result was a devastating blow that was delivered to the heart, mind and soul of My Love.  The kind that brings tears to one’s eyes and causes lips to quiver in deeply sorrowful anger. 

In essence the whole topic would forever be off limits.  It would be cordoned off like a crime scene.  It would be considered a sacred ground.  And, so from that pain came another curriculum topic.  Initially it was a standalone topic-one that I would share by itself so it stood on its own merits.  It like the key I shared in the previous post, proved to be a tool that allowed my clients to do a great deal of heavy lifting in overcoming their adversities.  In very recent coaching exchanges I included it as one of the keys.  There are 5 keys total and it seems their efficacy is expanding.  Most importantly my clients are appreciating their value. 

It like the key I shared in the previous post, proved to be a tool that allowed my clients to do a great deal of heavy lifting in overcoming their adversities.

     Initially this key was called a sacred cow.  But due to my commitment to personal growth & development which at times fuels my understanding of cultural sensitivity, I changed the name to sacred ground. That too, was a very recent change.  As a matter of fact it is so recent that I have yet to present the topic with its new name to any clients.  All the information is the same.  The name was the only thing that changed.  It is important to note’ that in mine and my partners case, the healing took place that was needed.  This concept is in no way a license to pretend something doesn’t exist or that an offense never happened.  Instead it means just the opposite, that because a great pain was cause, the issue was addressed and healing occurred, and, out of respect for your partner, you don’t dare bring the topic up again to prevent inflicting a new wound or to avoid ripping a band aid off of an old wound. 

This concept is in no way a license to pretend something doesn’t exist or that an offense never happened.  Instead it means just the opposite…

     Sacred ground is perfect to use in the heat of an exchange to table an issue until help for the issue and guidance on the topic can be secured.  Sacred ground invokes the highest sense of responsibility from both partners because it demands mutual agreement.  Now that the couple found its way out of that very dark dreadful cave both partners agree to mark that cave and never go in it for a season or forever.  I know, one too many geography analogies-first sacred grounds.  Now caves and such.  

Sacred ground invokes the highest sense of responsibility from both partners because it demands mutual agreement. 

     Sacred ground is yet another example of boundaries in communication.  Business Consultant Chuck Bauer, offered solid insight on the matter several years ago in a blog he posted entitled, “Mastering communication boundaries,” in which he said…

Setting effective Communication Boundaries is a basic skill in relationship communication, both personally and professionally.  They are imaginary lines we establish around ourselves to protect our souls, hearts, and minds from the unhealthy or damaging behavior of others…

Chuckbauer.com, 2017

Setting effective Communication Boundaries is a basic skill in relationship communication, both personally and professionally.  They are imaginary lines we establish around ourselves to protect our souls, hearts, and minds from the unhealthy or damaging behavior of others.  They give us the ability to maintain proper guidelines for our interaction with others and with the world as we experience it(Chuckbauer.com, 2017).

     A key word that comes to mind in absorbing Mr. Bauer’s info is protection.  In my relationship with my partner, I felt it was my obligation not only to keep my promise but to do everything I could to facilitate her healing as well as to exert the necessary energy to to protect her.    Mr. Bauer’s information rang a bell very loudly for me.  A bell that I have been trying to ring with equal intensity for my clients.  So far it’s work extremely well. 

     So, if you or someone you know is ever in need of a skillful, research savvy, experienced coach, let me know, because I know a guy.  LOL.

All concepts and information are the intellectual property of James W. Falcon and/or A New Horizon Life Coaching Products & Virtual Services unless otherwise indicated.

References:

Bauer, C. (2017, March 1). Mastering Communication Boundaries. Retrieved from Chuckbauer.com: https://chuckbauer.com/mastering-communication-boundaries/#:~:text=Setting%20effective%20Communication%20Boundaries%20is,or%20damaging%20behavior%20of%20others.