Originally written: March 6,2023, 12:01am, EST | Revised: August 13,2023, 1:06pm, EST.|Published, August 13, 2023, 5:20pm, EST
I was introduced to the term while researching content for my last book, The Self-Love Practitioner. I was absolutely thrilled to learn about the topic for a variety of reasons. Chiefly, because it fit so well into the content of my book from an antithetical standpoint. Needless-to-say, I finished the book but I never let the topic or the term go. So much so I’ve actually searched for opportunities to insert the term & it’s meaning whenever possible.
As a result the term has found a permanent home in the support I provide my coaching clients. Self-love is such an integral part of my client coaching support, that I have amended my curricula with a sizable chunk of information about pathological altruism . Permit me to pause just long enough to insert the definition. The editors of the book define pathological altruism as… “altruism in which attempts to promote the welfare of others instead result in unanticipated harm” (Oakley, Knafo,Guruprasad, and Sloan, 2012). In layman’s terms, pathological altruism was described in An October, 2011 New York Times article that explained the concept in the following manner…
pathological altruism is not limited to showcase acts of self-sacrifice… The book is the first comprehensive treatment of the idea that when ostensibly generous ‘how can I help you?’ behavior is taken to extremes, misapplied or stridently rhapsodized, it can become unhelpful, unproductive and even destructive. Selflessness gone awry may play a role in a broad variety of disorders, including anorexia and animal hoarding, women who put up with abusive partners and men who abide alcoholic ones. Because a certain degree of selfless behavior is essential to the smooth performance of any human group, selflessness run amok can crop up in political contexts. It fosters the exhilarating sensation of righteous indignation, the belief in the purity of your team and your cause and the perfidiousness of all competing teams and causes(Angier, 2011).
Angier, 2011
So what place does this topic have in a coaching blog? I must admit, the topic is much more likely to exist in a counseling session rather than in a coaching session. I have latched on to the term to help my clients understand just how important having and maintaining a self-love mindset is. I use pathological altruism to jar clients into understanding how their self love can be threatened or in jeopardy by certain actions or by their failure to act in a self-love supportive way. Pathological is defined as obsessive, compulsive, or extreme. The term has actual been a golden tool to help me free clients of certain types of limiting beliefs. Why? Because both self-love & pathological altruism speak to loyalties and commitment. I challenge my clients into seeing the possibilities & benefits of having greater loyalty to themselves and investing in their own well-being which is self-love and to disconnect from the pathological altruism-like relationship traps. I help clients of all demographics identify unhealthy, stifling & stymiing connections with which they might be engaged. To do so they can emancipate themselves and emotionally enjoy a new found freedom but also new dimensions of personal & professional progress. From a coaching standpoint it is important for me to help my clients to realize that the pain, the hurt, toll, the inconvenience that they may experience that results from certain relationship connections should not be the norm. I even go as far as to help clients see the importance of preferring themselves over others and consider sharing those negative traits and conditions with others in relationships is much healthier than shouldering those things alone. This serves as a catalyst to considerations for needful adjustments in mindset and consequently in behavior. This framework is super important for everyone to understand and to use. It is even critical for coaches. Coaches should understand that the coach -client exchange should never be a burden for the coach. Which is what I’ve grown accustomed to telling my clients. I tell them that although I am an enthusiastic participant in the goal setting, goal pursuit, goal attainment process, the bulk of the workload will be and should be borne by the client. I have even gone as far as to mention this in the coaching agreement I give to all of my clients so that the stage is properly set. The goal is ultimately the client’s responsibility,therefore; the labor involved to reach the goal belongs to the client as well. This point is so crucial for me in my coaching practice, that clients that fail to understand and exhibit this are in danger of voiding their Agreement without a refund. Yup. Framing that for clients has helped me frame things similarly in my other relationships as well. As a result I am not only having healthier interactions but I am having so much more fun in those interactions. What would happen if you introduced a similar framework? You’d see similar results.
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References:
Angier, N. (2011, October 3). The pathological altruist gives till someone hurts. The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/04/science/04angier.html
Concepts and implications of altruism bias and pathological altruism – PNAS. (n.d.). https://www.pnas.org/doi/pdf/10.1073/pnas.1302547110
Oakley, B. A., Knafo, A., Guruprasad, M., & Wilson, D. S. (Eds.). (2012). Pathological altruism. Oxford University Press.
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James W. Falcon, MSOL, CLSSBB, CMLC is Certified Master Life Coach and holds certifications and certificates of completion in 15 different coaching areas, including a Certified Lean Six Sigma Black Belt. He is also the founder & principal life
coach of a New Horizon Life Coaching Products & Virtual Services-a 5-Star coaching practice that provides coaching support for life, relationships, business and career related goal pursuits. The practice is a subsidiary of his helps network, Encouragement Is Key, 2023.
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James W. Falcon, MSOL, CLSSBB
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