By James W.Falcon, MSOL, CLSSBB
Originally published:Aug. 5,2023|Revised Aug. 16,2023
A 5.8 minute read
Introduction
The Basis for this book as well as for the development of this concept initially came from a passionate search to understand ways that leaders (managers, supervisors, team leaders, etc.,) can help their employees
improve their performances. The exploration occurred in 2009 as I embarked upon a 13-month journey as a master’s student developing my thesis. The information served as the perfect foundation from which to launch my research. Since then, the information has occupied a prominent place in my head and in my heart and has been a card that I am always eager to play at every opportunity that presents. As such, I am thrilled to present that information in the context of the couples’ coaching that I’ve provided to my clients for the past 3 years.
We live in unprecedented times. Aside from the fact that the world is recovering from the challenges of a pandemic, sources tell us that for the first time in fifty plus years, there are more singles in America than there are married couples. Consequently, there is certainly no shortage of dating apps and services primed and ready to coral the willing into their dream connection with their soul mate. So relationships, the hope getting into a new relationship for singles and the hope of improving the communication and the overall quality of the interactions with theirpartners are just some of the things on people’s minds, status aside. Those already in relationships seem to be some of the things on peoples’ minds at the moment.
In general everyone is seeking something. For singles, that “something” is a someone. For those who’ve already found their “someone,” they’re seeking a change/an improvement in the quality of their connection, Of the scores of couples that have reached out to me, they present with what I call the big three. They need help with communication, rebuilding trust, they crave more intimacy & passion. Itseems then, we are all preoccupied with one aspect of relationships or another.
This book will serve both singles and those in relationships. This book will present helpful, practical information for all, no matter their relationship status. The information contained therein has been drawn from a number of credible sources’ and their recent research findings. In addition, I will offer information from my experiences as a relationship coach.
So why did I title the book the way I did one might ask?
This book is based on sociological studies conducted in the 1950’s & 60’s that spoke to our need to get “permission and approval”(the currency) to interact with others(the togetherness). to assign value to the relationships we are in based on an understanding we gain of weighing the costs and rewards associated with the interactions we have(togetherness). That permissions and approval process is actually an exchange that is likened to the economic principles of supply & demand(currency). The interactions talked about in the studies examine what’s being exchanged and why?
As a certified relationship coach and as a process and performance improvement expert I’ve relied heavily on those studies and their findings over the past three years for a variety of reasons. First and foremost, it is important to note that I am a huge science geek. Whenever the opportunity presents itself to tickle the fancy of my inner Syd the Science Kid, I seize it.
History & Background
Before I launch out into the incredibly deep part of the pool as it relates to the nuances of relationships, let’s take a look at the permission and approval process that I referred to above, shall we? Permit me to break into the permission and approval vault, then I’ll gladly show you the content. Then I’ll make the content make sense in the context of romantic relationships. So, here we go.
In 1958, George Homans developed the social behavior as exchange theory (SET). SET suggested that every human interaction is driven by a sifting process in which we try to identify the costs and the benefits of our interactions and whether the benefit will outweigh the costs. In other words, we have to give ourselves permission(based on the cost)to interact with others and once we’ve interacted, we need to give ourselves approval to continue to interact with others. A May 8, 2023 post on the popular site, verywellmind.com tells us…
Social exchange theory is a concept based on the idea that social behavior is the result of an exchange process. According to this theory, people weigh the potential benefits and risks of their social relationships. When the risks outweigh the rewards, they will terminate or abandon the relationship. The purpose of this exchange is to maximize benefits and minimize costs.
Berywellmond.com, 2023
The operative word here is exchange. Homans’ theory purports that the basis, the very foundation of our interactions with others is transactional in nature. For the thing I give, I have an expectation of something either in return or of something in response. And when that something is greater than the cost, it justifies my tenure in said interaction. If the cost is greater than the reward( we have neither permission nor approval) and we cannot justify our tenure and we move to free ourselves from the bond of the interaction. Expectations and comparison are also important elements according to Homans as per the very well mind.com post. The dots are connected thusly…
Cost-benefit analysis plays a major role in the social exchange process, but so do expectations. As people weigh benefits against the costs, they do so by establishing a comparison level that is often influenced by past experiences(averywellmind.com, 2023).
Very well mind,com,2023
Because the expectation variable of the equation is so strong, it is not limited to specific types of relationships. The authors of the very well mind.com post, Kendra Cherry & Amy Morin, make this point by telling us…
Expectations can appear within work relationships as well. Research indicates that there is an “expectation of reciprocity” within workplace settings between management and staff.4 If an employee doesn’t feel that their effort is being reciprocated from higher-ups, this can affect their work (Cherry, Morin, 2023
Morin, 2023.
Following Homans’ work, Walter Nord widened the lens a bit by proposing what he called the the Social Exchange Theory: An Integrative Approach to Social Conformity, in which he identifies conformity as the commodity of choice in social interactions. In other words, as humans we desire first and foremost to show ourselves as being on the “same page” as others, as being “like minded” and as sharing the same values as those with whom we interact. The information presented in these two studies have served as the foundation for a portion of a coaching curriculum that developed for my couples clients. This curriculum has been in place and has been incredibly helpful in the help Iprovide couples to overcome their challenges especially in the areas of communication, conflict resolution and waning intimacy and passion related problems. Approximately mid way into a three year run, the aspects of the studies that I extracted I labeled Relationship currency. In recent monthsI changed “relationship” to “togetherness “I added the subtitle, “the dollars and cents of togetherness” to further distinguish my approach from other approaches.
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References:
Cherry, K. (2023, May 8). Understanding Social Exchange Theory in Psychology. Very well mind.com. Retrieved from: https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-social-exchange-theory-2795882
Homans, G. C. (1958). Social Behavior As Exchange.. The American Journal of Sociology, 63(6), 597-606.
Nord, W. R. (1969). Social Exchange Theory: An Integrative approach to social conformity. Psychological Bulletin, 71(3), 174-208.
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All information in this blog post are the intellectual property of the author, James W. Falcon and his helps network, Encouragement Is Key, unless otherwise noted. Any information drawn from this post should be cited properly using standard scholastic writing guidelines and/or used after gaining expressed written consent of James or his Network.
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James W. Falcon, MSOL, CLSSBB is Certified Life Coach and holds certifications in 15 different coaching areas, including a Lean Six Sigma Black Belt. He is also the founder & principal life coach of A New Horizon Life Coaching Products & Virtual Services-a 5-Star coaching practice that provides coaching support for life, relationships, business and career related goal pursuits. The practice is a subsidiary of his helps network, Encouragement Is Key, 2023.
Contact info:
James W. Falcon, MSOL, CLSSBB
email: anewhorizonlifecoachinglcpvs@gmail.com
Website: https://wp.me/PcGncE-5
Phone: 855.962.6324
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